13 Responses to Visual Rewrite-Chavanillo

1. davidbdale says:

   March 3, 2019 at 3:22 pm

   Thanks for posting early, Chavanillo. This will give your classmates, who might not know how much detail to include, to eavesdrop on our feedback as they’re completing their assignments.

   So far, the first three students have selected videos I’ve never seen before. I won’t watch yours now. And I haven’t read your post. Instead, I’ll describe and analyze the first One Second of your video to meet the two goals of the assignment.
   Visual Goal: to describe the scene in enough detail that readers can easily visualize it.
   Rhetorical Goal: to analyze why the director arranged the visuals exactly as they are.

   0:01
   From black, the scene opens abruptly with an image of a young soldier walking toward the camera. We see him straight on from the waist up, walking with determination in our direction. We conclude he’s a soldier from his clothing and haircut. The hair is cut very short all around in a classic military buzz cut. His smooth face and intact hairline indicate his age somewhere in his twenties. He’s dressed in military camouflage, green and tan, suitable for a place of light vegetation (not the desert, not the arctic). He shows no stripes or any indication of rank. We don’t see his name above his pocket. His uniform is unbuttoned at the throat showing a khaki undershirt and the straps across his shoulders indicate he’s carrying a knapsack. All these characteristics combine to give the impression that he is a generic soldier, perhaps fresh from basic training, not a specific person of rank: a soldier from Central Casting.

   The place he’s in is pretty generic too. A building interior, some sort of public commercial space, too sparse to be a hotel or office lobby. The wide open hallway behind him is all tall windows along the side and along the back wall. The floor is smooth and shiny, some sort of glossy tile or linoleum, not carpeted. He’s approaching a doorway or passageway whose frame we can see to the left of the screen. It’s fitted with a handle or lock fixture; a latch stop is evident along the frame, so, he’s coming to the end of an open hallway and passing through a doorway. The camera is moving “backwards” as he approaches us, so we’re all moving together, but the soldier is not aware of “us” or the camera. He’s looking ahead as if expecting to see something or someone, intent of where he’s going.

   On the right of the screen we see signage on the wall of the sort that would appear in a public space to indicate the location of offices, public spaces, exits, other functions. Now that we can see better through the back windows, they open onto a wide open exterior space, so this building is out in the open on pavement, not in the middle of a town.

   Even though it has lasted just one second so far, the absence of other people seems odd for an open public space. If he’s in a military unit, for some reason he’s separated from his compatriots here. Maybe it’s his fellow soldiers he’s looking for.

   How does that compare to your First Second notes, Chavanillo?

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2. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 9:36 am

   I admire your commitment to the process, Chavanillo. You’re clearly working hard to communicate more details and impressions than in your first draft. You’re still struggling very much with English fluency, I’m afraid, and the result is readers have a hard time understanding your observations.

   The ad starts by [with] a young[,] white[,] black[-]hair[ed] male soldier coming out of a bright white hallway with [of] rectangular mirror[s] and windows all over. Because of [H]is smooth face and hairline indicates that he is in his twenties. He is getting closer to the camera[, which] that is only letting [us] me see [him] from the [waist] waste up. [We can] I could see that he is a soldier because he is dressed in military C[c]amouflage[:], green and tan, suitable for a place of light vegetation (no [desert]dessert, no arctic). With [H]his uniform unbuttoned at the throat showing [a k]Khaki undershirt with straps across his shoulders[,] indicat[es]ing that he is carrying a knapsack. The camera zooms in [on] the man[‘s] face showing us [because of all his characteristics] all that he is a [generic] genetic soldier[.] because of all his characteristics.

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3. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 9:57 am

   Then the camera zoomed out making me see the empty airport. Just the empty hallways like no one is there. maybe meaning that he might feel alone because he doesn’t see his fellow soldiers. like if he was in his own world. While now I could see his whole uniform. He is observing and trying to see if theirs people around him.

   Then the camera zooms out letting us see the empty airport. Just empty hallways as if no one is there. Maybe this means that he feels alone because he doesn’t see his fellow soldiers, as if he was in his own world. Now we can see his whole uniform. He is observing and trying to see if there are people around him.

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4. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 10:01 am

   Next the camera zooms again to his face making me see that he is moving his head realizing that no one is there. I could see how worried and lonely he feels. He might be thinking where everybody is. I could see that he is a United States soldier because he has a batch on his right and sleeve that has the flag of USA. Maybe he came from camp training and now his looking for his fellow soldiers. While the Camera zooms even more you could realize that the camera background angle changed towards the white windows indicating that it was day time.

   Next the camera zooms again to his face, allowing us to see that he is moving his head, realizing that no one is there. We can see how worried and lonely he feels. He might be thinking, “Where is everybody?” We can see that he is a United States soldier by the patch on his right sleeve with its flag of the USA. Maybe he has come from camp training and now is looking for his fellow soldiers. While the camera zooms in even more we realize that the background angle has shifted towards the white windows, indicating that it is daytime.

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5. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 10:06 am

   He is in the suitcase pickup spot waiting for his suitcase, but while he is waiting for the machine to through his suitcase it zoomed out and you could see all this suit cases coming out, but no one is around there. Like if everyone disappears and suitcases were left behind. This shows that he might feel like no one is around him, but I believe that they are is just that in his mind he feels lonely like no one is going to accept him. Like if everyone was invisible in his eyes. Maybe he is trying to look for some friends from the military and he can’t find nobody.

   He is in the baggage claim area, waiting for his suitcase, but while he is waiting for the machine to dispense his suitcase the camera zooms out to show many suitcases coming out but nobody to claim them, as if everyone had disappeared and left their suitcases behind. This shows that he might feel no one is around him, but I believe that other people are there. Only in the man’s mind he feels lonely, as if no one is going to accept him. As if everyone was invisible in his eyes. Maybe he is trying to look for friends from the military but can’t find them.

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6. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 10:10 am

   Then he turns out walking across the street, you see that he is in New York because of how the building looks like. Brown and peach block building. New York is fool with this kind of buildings. Maybe he is trying to look for the person that must pick him up. Now he is in the street walking. Indicating that he is trying to see if he could see someone.

   Then he exits and walks across the street. Judging from the look of the brown and peach block buildings common in New York, he is in Manhattan. Maybe he is looking for the person who should be picking him up. Now he is in the street walking, and indicating with his gaze that he is searching for someone.

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7. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 10:13 am

   While he is walking in the middle of the street the camera focus on his face showing us that he is fool of emotions, loneliness, sadness, lost that he can’t see nobody. Maybe he really doesn’t go where he is going, and he is overwhelmed on how many buildings they are there. He maybe is trying to look for the person that is going to pick him up.

   While he is walking in the middle of the street, the camera focuses on his face that indicates loneliness, sadness, the loss of his companions. Maybe he doesn’t know where he is going, and he is overwhelmed by how the number and size of the buildings.

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8. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 10:19 am

   While he continuous walking the camera angle changes we see his whole body from the back, but it zoomed out enough that we see what he sees all the big buildings that tell me that he is in Boston. You could see how the buildings are shaped and the only place that got this kind of buildings is New York. I could see that he feels like he doesn’t belong and like if he was in a room lonely in the dark. He can’t see no one what everyone could see him. He might feel like no one is going to accept him. Maybe he is a soldier from the USA army but from another country.

   While he continues walking, the camera angle changes. We see his whole body from behind, but zoomed out enough for us to see what he sees: all the big buildings that tell us he is in Boston. We recognize familiar buildings from their shapes. The only place these buildings can be found is in New York. His face gives us the impression that the feels he doesn’t belong, as if he’s in a room alone in the dark. He sees no one, but everyone sees him. The director seems to be indicating that the solider is not going to be accepted. Maybe he serves as a soldier in the US Army, but is from another country.

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9. davidbdale says:

   April 9, 2019 at 10:24 am

   Then He stopped walking still in the middle of the street and took of his duffel bag and put it on the floor, doing it as if he was mesmerized of how the buildings were. This might be his first time in New York. While he is observing a white 40-year-old guy with white hair start walking towards him. Maybe that’s his father, or his tourist. When the guy gets closer the soldier turns his head looking at him with straight face and smiles at him. This is a symbol that he knows this man. The person he was looking for.

   Then he stops walking, still in the middle of the street, takes off duffel bag, and puts it on the asphalt, appearing to be mesmerized by the buildings. This might be his first time in New York. While he is gazing at his surroundings, a 40-year-old white guy with white hair starts walking toward him. Maybe it’s his father, or his tour guide. When the man gets closer, the soldier turns his head, looks at him with straight face, and smiles at him. This is a symbol that he knows this man, the person he was looking for.

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10. davidbdale says:

    April 9, 2019 at 10:27 am

    Then they start shaking hands, but the camera is just focus in the hands and I could say that while the camera was focusing on the hand in the background two woman were crossing the street. Showing that people started to pop up when the soldier got in contact with the white hair guy. Maybe this is a friend, but in my eyes, I believe this might be his father or tourist to navigate him. Maybe that is his tourist for military reasons.

    When they start shaking hands, the camera is just focused on the handshake, but in the background we can see two women crossing the street, showing that people started to pop up as soon as the soldier got in contact with the white-haired guy. Maybe this is a friend, but it seems more likely it’s the soldier’s father or his guide. Maybe he’s a tourist for military reasons.

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11. davidbdale says:

    April 9, 2019 at 10:34 am

    They shake their hands so hard up and down with a strong grip that shows respect. Then he pays him on the soldiers like if he was saying everything is going to be fine. I’m here to help you. The soldier than start picking is bag from the floor like if he was going to leave with him. This might be showing that he doesn’t feel lonely anymore. Before he saw the guy, his face expression was always a sad one, worried, felt lonely, like he didn’t know where to go and then when the guy came his face changed right way. He felt like he wasn’t alone anymore.

    They shake hands strenuously, with a strong grip that shows respect. The man pats the solidier on the shoulder as if to say that everything is going to be fine, I’m here to help you. The soldier reaches for his bag as if he was going to leave with the man, perhaps showing that he doesn’t feel lonely anymore. Before he saw the man, his sad, worried facial expression had expressed the loneliness of someone who didn’t know where to go. The man’s arrival changed the soldier’s face right away. Now he feels that he’s not alone anymore.

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12. davidbdale says:

    April 9, 2019 at 10:38 am

    The camera zooms out showing a bunch of people and taxes in the street. Showing that no one is alone. Showing that he is not alone. the video ended by showing a quote that said, ” If you’re a veteran of Iraq or Afghanistan, you’re not alone.” With this quote I could conclude that this ad was about accepting everybody as they are. Specially Iraq and Afghanistan veterans because their nationality is what defines them. What really defines them is who they are and how they really serve the country. Not everybody is the same. If veterans save our lives the last thing we could do is helping when they need us.

    The camera zooms out showing a bunch of people and taxis in the street.With so many people around, nobody is alone. The soldier is not alone. The video ends with a quote printed on the screen: “If you’re a veteran of Iraq or Afghanistan, you’re not alone.” The quote clearly indicates that the ad was about accepting everybody as they are, especially Iraq and Afghanistan veterans because their nationality doesn’t define them. What defines them is who they are and how they serve the country. Not everybody is the same. If veterans save our lives, the first thing we should do is help them when they need it.

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13. davidbdale says:

    April 9, 2019 at 10:49 am

    I hope you find these revisions helpful, Chavanillo. I offer them as guidance, not to bully you into writing any particular way. I want to model good grammar and robust sentence structure to you the best I can to help you in your language development.

    Meanwhile, I have a couple of notes about your analysis, which for the most part is strong and attentive to the details.

    1. There’s an interesting camera motion in seconds 05 to 07. Can you tell how the shot was made? What feature of an airport is being used here?
    2. There is no side-trip to Boston. They’re in NYC the whole time. That’s the Flatiron Building with its recognizable angles.
    3. I like that you suggest “the people are there, but he just can’t see them.” It turns out to be a good guess. But I don’t understand why you would have thought so from the evidence we have early in the video. Can you explain that conclusion? How did you get that impression?
    4. You need to observe the “white-haired” man more carefully. He’s not just some guy. His wardrobe and haircut send some very clear signals.
    5. I don’t know how you decided to focus on the soldier’s nationality. Do you think he’s a “national” from another country who has served in the US Army or Marines? If so, why do you think so? Is it possible that a native New Yorker returning home from a tour of duty in Afghanistan might feel isolated in his own home town until he’s welcomed back by another soldier?

    Those are my thoughts, Chavanillo. Please revise any way you wish and put the post back into Feedback Please if you want more help.

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