Open Strong Tcarter101 rewrite

Posted on October 20, 2020 by tcarter101

The pandemic has ruined the college experience for students such as myself.  We have experienced a new challenge  in which we have to adapt to our new circumstances. This has made the learning experience of college much more difficult than before.  This combined with  the social distancing restrictions has also made the social  learning aspect of college much more difficult than before. Since we are more isolated than ever before we do not have the opportunity to have those late nights of bonding with our peers and forming friendships that last a lifetime. As much as we need to focus on our academics we also need to have the much needed social interaction with each other. 

These experiences allow you to  grow as a human being and further you into adulthood. It is also what people reflect back on their days at college. These fond memories gives us insight for both our future career life and personal life as well. In many ways the experience of interacting and connecting with your peers helps you learn much better than being completely on your own. it is convenient to go to school from home however I would argue that the connections that you form meet people on the campus has a very good value. 

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1 Response to Open Strong Tcarter101 rewrite

  1. davidbdale says:
    October 20, 2020 at 5:02 am

    TC, I can’t tell whether these two paragraphs represent TWO strong openings or ONE two-paragraph opening. The second paragraph seems to refer to the first, so it SOUNDS like the 2nd paragraph of your essay, not a 2nd opening.

    Some notes:
    1. Your dependence on THIS and THESE for transitions makes your writing unclear.

    The pandemic has ruined the college experience for students such as myself. We have experienced a new challenge in which we have to adapt to our new circumstances. THIS has made the learning experience of college much more difficult than before. THIS combined with the social distancing restrictions has also made the social learning aspect of college much more difficult than before.

    What THIS refers to is unclear in both situations, so your sentences have no clear subject.

    2. Your first sentence starts strong. RUIN is a good, active verb that sends a clear message. Why the pandemic has ruined college for students SUCH AS YOU is NOT clear. What’s special about you? Are you a TYPE of student? Or do you simply mean STUDENTS AT THIS TIME?

    3. Your second sentence immediately loses the impact of the first. Pandemic RUINED your college experience, you say. How, we ask? By presenting A NEW CHALLENGE and forcing you TO ADAPT to NEW CIRCUMSTANCES? That doesn’t sound exactly devastating. Isn’t college always a new challenge? Doesn’t it always make us adapt to our new circumstances?

    4. Your third sentence makes a comparison that doesn’t advance your argument either. Distancing restrictions make social learning MORE DIFFICULT than BEFORE. You repeat this “more than ever before” in your fourth sentence. What’s the point of comparing the two time periods? Concentrate on what’s devastating about NOW.

    You don’t need a new post for this exercise, TC. Just make revisions to this one and Update it. Leave me another Feedback Please note if you want further interference.

    I will appreciate your Reply.

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