Practice Opening- Justheretopass

The Nigerian government may be the reason why polio has never eradicated from the world. The inability of the government to properly inform the public about the vaccine contributes to this reason. The citizens of Nigeria feel unsafe taking the vaccine due to the lack of trust they have in their government. In 2003 -2004, rumors surfaced and created a frenzy that people from the northern states banned the polio vaccine. As stated, the Human Development Index ranked Nigeria 153rd out of 187 countries in Transparency International. The government needs to work with their people in order to eradicate polio. 

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2 Responses to Practice Opening- Justheretopass

  1. davidbdale says:

    The Nigerian government may be the reason why polio is never eradicated from the world.

    Great opening sentence, JHTP. Your readers, me included, will be looking for your evidence that Nigeria is pivotal to the global effort.

    The lack of trust and transparency the government displays to the people of Nigeria would support that claim.

    You lost me. Immediately. The PEOPLE’S lack of trust in the Nigerian government might support something, but we have no idea why polio eradication depends on the people’s trust.

    As stated The Human Development Index ranked Nigeria 153rd out of 187 countries in Transparency International.

    OK. So international judges declare the Nigerian government “not trustworthy.” That sounds important.

    The people of the country are hesitant to trust and believe what the government says is safe and what isn’t.

    Uh-huh. That sounds consistent with the “untrustworthy” claim, but you haven’t established WHAT is safe or unsafe. Do you see what I’m getting at? You haven’t mentioned vaccination yet. So we don’t know you’re hinting at the safety of vaccines.

    Failure to educate them about the vaccine is a sizable problem too.

    So now, when you get to it, we have to reread the paragraph to get the full understanding of your argument. The simple fix for this is two-fold: 1) Tell readers the essential information they need to provide context for your claims, 2) Deliver the information in the right sequence.
    The government needs to do a better job educating people and ensuring what happened in the past won’t repeat.

    You started by claiming this was unlikely to happen, and that the result would be global failure. That sort of robust thesis calls for a much more forceful conclusion.

    Your grade is at Canvas, JustHereToPass. You have options.
    1. If you’re satisfied with your grade, you don’t have to do anything.
    2. If you’re satisfied with your grade, but you appreciate the feedback, leave me a Reply.
    3. If you want a better grade, you have one week to revise and put this post into Regrade Please.

    Like

  2. davidbdale says:

    I’m glad you revised, JHTP. This is considerably better than your previous draft. We still don’t know why Nigeria is so crucial to WORLD eradication. And your Transparency claim is out of order logically. But you’ve done a better job of sticking to your theme and the essential elements.

    Like

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