Practice Opening – carsonwentz1186

Posted on February 2, 2021 by carsonwentz1186

In order to eradicate anything from the world, there needs to be total cooperation from all citizens of every nation. The country of Nigeria currently stands in the way of our quest to eradicate polio due to the unwillingness of the northern part of the country to cooperate with the government due to the many other problems experienced by the people and lack of trust between the government and its northern citizens. The divide has reached the point where a simple vaccine such as this has instilled fear and rumors that something that is supposed to cure this deadly disease is contaminated with another virus in a plot to eliminate the Muslim population in the northern region. Until a solution can be reached, our quest to eradicate polio will never be complete.

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1 Response to Practice Opening – carsonwentz1186

davidbdale says:

February 9, 2021 at 1:16 pm

In order to eradicate anything from the world, there needs to be total cooperation from all citizens of every nation.

I love an unambiguous categorical claim. Good start. I’m buckled in.

The country of Nigeria currently stands in the way of our quest to eradicate polio due to the unwillingness of the northern part of the country to cooperate with the government due to the many other problems experienced by the people and lack of trust between the government and its northern citizens.

Good information. Good causal argument pattern. Bad sentence. One use of “due to” weakens every sentence. Two uses of “due to” is toxic. There’s always a better way to phrase causation than “due to.” And sentences that contain more than one link in the chain are usually wordy and too complex. I may want to illustrate. I hope you will forgive me. “The country of Nigeria currently stands in the way of our quest to eradicate polio. Following years of distrust, the citizens of North Nigeria refuse to cooperate with the government.”

The divide has reached the point where a simple vaccine such as this has instilled fear and rumors that something that is supposed to cure this deadly disease is contaminated with another virus in a plot to eliminate the Muslim population in the northern region.

Remember, CW, this is supposed to be your Opening paragraph, so you haven’t mentioned a vaccine yet (therefore “a simple vaccine such as this” makes no sense). Also “this deadly disease” doesn’t describe polio well, a disease that rarely kills but paralyzes children in huge numbers when it runs wild. And finally (your sentence contains SO MANY CLAIMS!) your mention of the Muslims comes late. Imagine if your opening sentence had claimed that “The Muslims of North Nigeria” stand in the way. Then you wouldn’t have to spell out the North’s distrust of government later. And you wouldn’t have to connect the Muslims with North Nigeria later either. See what I mean?

Until a solution can be reached, our quest to eradicate polio will never be complete.

Yeah. You’re right. Strong bookends. It’s a tricky business delivering the evidence to support your argument in the right order, but it is essential.

Your grade is at Canvas, CarsonWentz. You have options.
1. If you’re satisfied with your grade, you don’t have to do anything.
2. If you’re satisfied with your grade, but you appreciate the feedback, leave me a Reply.
3. If you want a better grade, you have one week to revise and put this post into Regrade Please.

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