Practice opening – Johnwick66

On the brink of extinction, One man pushes to strip Polio from one of its last strongholds.

Polio, a disease that has left millions of children paralyzed, is on the verge of facing its extinction. However there are still a few places on Earth where we have yet to eliminate it. But today possibly marks the beginning of the end for polio’s hold over Nigeria. For Nigeria’s minister of state for health Muhammad Ali Pate aims to accomplish what has been failed time and time again for the past 25 years. To completely eradicate Polio from the country, and he is doing everything in his power to achieve this goal. From persuading boys on the streets of Kaduna North, to personally vaccinating kids in a nomadic community near the side of the road, Muhammad is determined. As he puts it ” There is science to polio eradication, But making it happen is art”

This entry was posted in johnwick66, Practice Opening 21. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Practice opening – Johnwick66

  1. davidbdale says:

    Polio, a disease that has left millions of children paralyzed, is on the verge of facing its extinction.

    Nice, JW. A direct, blunt, straightforward, unequivocal claim. That makes for a great opening (and sets a high bar). Let’s see how you proceed. 🙂

    However there are still a few places on Earth where we have yet to eliminate it.

    Good. Very good. On the brink but with work to do. Quietly dramatic.

    But today possibly marks the beginning of the end for polio’s hold over Nigeria.

    That’s two “buts” in a row. Not terrific rhetorically. 1) The job is almost done, 2) But not quite, 3) But almost. See if you can rephrase a bit to avoid seeming wishy-washy.

    For Nigeria’s minister of state for health Muhammad Ali Pate aims to accomplish what has been failed time and time again for the past 25 years.

    Ohhhh. I had to read that three times. You mean “BECAUSE Nigeria’s minister of state . . . .” Are you trying to avoid using BECAUSE as the first word in a sentence? That’s admirable, but in this case it creates a lot of confusion.

    To completely eradicate Polio from the country, and he is doing everything in his power to achieve this goal.

    This is another little syntax problem. As written, this is a fragment, not a sentence. It needs to be connected to the previous sentence. (That might create a VERY long sentence, but, it fails the grammar test as it stands.)

    From persuading boys on the streets of Kaduna North, to personally vaccinating kids in a nomadic community near the side of the road, Muhammad is determined.

    I like this highly-focused approach, JW. You’re determined to consider this one man the difference-maker in Nigeria, and therefore key to global success. True or not, it’s a thrilling concept well worth arguing.

    As he puts it ” There is science to polio eradication, But making it happen is art.”

    That’s a nice finish. But back up one sentence. Shouldn’t you foreshadow the “art” he’s engaged in? You say he’s determined, which is true. But more to the point, he’s innovative, flexible, open to suggestion. Right?

    As many criticisms as I’ve offered here, this is among the very best of the drafts I’ve read for this assignment, JW. A little polish and it will excel.

    Your grade is at Canvas, JohnWick. You have options.
    1. If you’re satisfied with your grade, you don’t have to do anything.
    2. If you’re satisfied with your grade, but you appreciate the feedback, leave me a Reply.
    3. If you want a better grade, you have one week to revise and put this post into Regrade Please.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s