Practice Opening – iwantpopsicle

When it comes to deadly diseases, one single case can quickly become millions in just a couple days. This has been continuously evident with the Polio virus and the many times it has made its resurgence. Nigeria remains one of three countries in the world that still has the wild Polio virus spreading throughout the population. This is primarily due to the overall mistrust in the government by the people of Nigeria. Many Nigerians believe that vaccines are a way to control the population, and disguising it as a vaccine for Polio is a government tactic. With Nigeria being projected to become the third most populous country by 2050, the need to convince the people of Nigeria to vaccinate is paramount to the eradication of the deadly disease.

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1 Response to Practice Opening – iwantpopsicle

  1. davidbdale says:

    When it comes to deadly diseases, one single case can quickly become millions in just a couple days.

    That’s an intriguing opening sentence, Popsicle. With luck, it will be followed immediately by a specific reference to your central thesis. Out of 100 words, you can’t spend more than 20 on a “teaser.”

    This has been continuously evident with the Polio virus and the many times it has made its resurgence.

    Hmmm . . . . That’s specific for sure, but it makes me wonder why you need two sentence for this. How about: “As history shows, a single case of Polio can quickly become millions.” That would cover the exponential growth, name polio as your theme, and in three words communicate that we’ve seen it surge in times past.

    Nigeria remains one of three countries in the world that still has the wild Polio virus spreading throughout the population.

    Good. Important information.

    This is primarily due to the overall mistrust in the government by the people of Nigeria.

    Beware of any sentence starting with “This.” You’ve written two in just five tries. It usually means you don’t need to start a new sentence. For example: “Because the citizens mistrust its government, Nigeria is one of only three countries where the wild Polio virus is poised for exponential growth.”

    Many Nigerians believe that vaccines are a way to control the population, and disguising it as a vaccine for Polio is a government tactic.

    Can you explain why “many” Nigerians think their government wants to kill them?

    With Nigeria being projected to become the third most populous country by 2050, the need to convince the people of Nigeria to vaccinate is paramount to the eradication of the deadly disease.

    Sentences starting with a “With” phrase like yours are also dangerous. You have very important information to deliver here. Use the strongest grammar constructions you can. Such as: “Nigeria will soon be the third most populous country on earth. If polio takes hold there . . . .”

    Your grade is at Canvas, Popsicle. You have options.
    1. If you’re satisfied with your grade, you don’t have to do anything.
    2. If you’re satisfied with your grade, but you appreciate the feedback, leave me a Reply.
    3. If you want a better grade, you have one week to revise and put this post into Regrade Please.

    Like

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