Practice Opening- Thecommoncase

Posted on February 1, 2021 by thecommoncase

The lack of scientific consciousness and stability in the Nigerian government makes it impossible for polio to be eradicated. Small communities in Nigeria are not being immunized due to the serious short comings of their unstable government. Violence plagues Nigeria, and makes it difficult for things like schooling to stay efficient. With no proper education about vaccines, either from school or their government, citizens do not know about vaccines or how they can help. The Nigerian government has to stabilize itself and impose a proper education system about vaccines so that citizens can be confident in taking it. If they remain ignorant about the benefits of a polio vaccine, polio will never be eradicated.

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1 Response to Practice Opening- Thecommoncase

davidbdale says:

February 9, 2021 at 11:22 am

The lack of scientific consciousness and stability in the Nigerian government makes it impossible for polio to be eradicated.

This is a very strong claim, CC, but I don’t think you mean that Nigeria is the only place where resistance and ignorance are to blame. Nigeria is a good example of the problem.

Small communities in Nigeria are not being immunized due to the serious short comings of their unstable government.

You named two problems in your opening 1) scientific unawareness and 2) governmental instability. Now you’re developing just one of them. That’s an organization problem.

Violence plagues Nigeria, and makes it difficult for things like schooling to stay efficient.

Violence certainly demonstrates the instability. Are you transitioning back to science when you mention the interruption of education?

With no proper education about vaccines, either from school or their government, citizens do not know about vaccines or how they can help.

Yes, apparently you were. So you do mean to develop both topics. Let’s see if we can be better guides to your readers.

The Nigerian government has to stabilize itself and impose a proper education system about vaccines so that citizens can be confident in taking it.

Got it. You’re working both topics simultaneously.

If they remain ignorant about the benefits of a polio vaccine, polio will never be eradicated.

And your last line brings one of them to its logical conclusion. They were vaguely related. Let’s draft again. New First Sentence:

Instability in the Nigerian government makes it impossible to promote confidence in the vaccines that would eradicate polio.

Now one of your factors CREATES the other. So readers are prepared to see the instability as interfering with the knowledge and understanding of disease and immunization.

If you see the value of that change, consider revising and putting this post back into both Feedback Please and Regrade Please.

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