The deprivation of travel has damaging effects to the human mind. When most of the world shut down due to the Coronavirus Pandemic, people were not able to leave their homes for an indefinite amount of time. This caused many people to experience negative effects such as anxiety and depression since they could not leave their homes and had to be socially distant from everyone else. People cannot travel anywhere to escape their stressful and busy lives and they are unable to receive the benefits of traveling. As a result of depriving someone of travel, the human mind becomes unhealthy.
Stages of Travel Deprivation
Depriving someone of their will to enjoy life are detrimental to the overall happiness of people. When people travel, they expect to get satisfaction and happiness as they escape from their stressful and busy lives. This is a process called the Stages of Travel. People get happiness as they go on a vacation. As the Coronavirus spreads throughout the country, people are unable to enjoy themselves by traveling because flights are suspended, and that people are unable to leave their homes. This creates a parallel process called The Stages of the Deprivation of Travel which yields the opposite effects of the Stages of Travel.
This is good work, Person, and I’m glad to see it early. I hope you won’t mind if I use it as a chance (and a place) to demonstrate the rhetorical advantages of robust language (and the elimination of abstractions).
—Travel deprivation undermines human well-being.
—When the Coronavirus pandemic shut down the world, we were imprisoned in our homes with no promise of parole.
—Confinement depressed us, social-distancing made us anxious.
—We lost the promise of travel and the freedom of movement that ordinarily lifts our spirits.
—A year later, we’re all suffering the unhealthy condition known as travel deprivation.
Undermined / shut down / imprisoned / depressed / lost / lifts / suffering.
The more robust our verbs, the more our readers FEEL the power of our arguments.
has effects / were not able / for an indefinite amount of time / many people to experience / negative effects / such as / they could not leave / had to be / they are unable to receive / the benefits of traveling / as a result of depriving / becomes
You may have been told in other writing classes to avoid the first person (I, we, us, our, etc), and for many types of writing, that is good advice. Here, where our product is the persuasive essay, the more we emphasize our unity with our readers the better. Travel deprivation doesn’t happen to “those people”; it happens to US when we’re locked down.
See the end product of eliminating abstractions, adding robust verbs and subjects, and personalizing your argument:
As I said, your draft was strong, and you may want to stand on its merits. But you might also want to revise it if the examples of these changes impress you as worthwhile.