Practice Opening-RowanRat

Posted on February 12, 2021 by rowanrat

The eradication of polio will be difficult but not impossible. Smallpox, for example, was eradicated and not a case has been seen since. However, humans, such as those in Nigeria, cannot resist denying that polio can be eradicated. Nigerian citizens and their government simply do not trust the vaccine for there have been rumors that the vaccine contains anit-fertility agents and HIV. Their incorrect presumptions explain why polio has not been globally eradicated. Eradication will require immense effort to convince people like those in Nigeria that the vaccine is in fact safe and necessary.

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3 Responses to Practice Opening-RowanRat

davidbdale says:

March 7, 2021 at 5:45 am

There’s good work here, RR, but also some serious sentence-making problems that I hope you’ll have the patience to resolve and learn from. The process will not be much fun. Very useful, but not enjoyable.

FIRST EXAMPLE

While polio may appear difficult to eradicate, it is not impossible.

EVERY TIME YOU USE “IT,” I want you to find a way to eliminate it. The word is not your friend. In this sentence, the word “it” refers back to polio. Your sentence says “polio is not impossible.” Clearly that’s not what you mean, but I assure you, that is the meaning of your grammar. SOMETHING is not impossible, but not polio. THE ERADICATION OF POLIO is not impossible. So your sentence should read

THE ERADICATION OF POLIO WILL BE DIFFICULT BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

SECOND EXAMPLE

Taking the disease, smallpox, for example, it was eradicated and to this day there haven’t been cases since.

Another problem with IT. Here the word means SMALLPOX, so why not use the word SMALLPOX? A much simpler version of your sentence

Smallpox, for example, was eradicated and not a case has been seen since.

THIRD EXAMPLE

However, it is easy, if not inevitable, for humans to state that the eradication of polio cannot happen.

Another problem with IT. Here, you make the word your subject again, when your actual subject is THE EASE WITH WHICH HUMANS STATE THAT ERADICATION CANNOT HAPPEN and your claim is that IT is easy. To eliminate IT and give your claim the power it deserves:

However, HUMANS cannot RESIST DENYING that POLIO CAN BE ERADICATED.

FOURTH EXAMPLE

You spend a sentence to add the word Nigerians. Move it back a sentence or move it forward a sentence and ELIMINATE YOUR SENTENCE.

FIFTH EXAMPLE

Nigerian citizens and their government simply do not trust the vaccine for there have been rumors that the vaccine contains anti-fertility agents and HIV.

Your sentence structure is fine, but your claim doesn’t support your Thesis. The Nigerians who fear the vaccine aren’t making any claim about whether POLIO CAN BE ERADICATED.

SIXTH EXAMPLE

Because of these incorrect presumptions are the leading cause of why polio has not been fully eradicated on a global scale.

Trouble with BECAUSE. Here your sentence actually says, BECAUSE X ARE THE CAUSE OF WHY Y. A sentence following that pattern would be: Because of my ears are the cause of why my glasses stay on my head. If that sounds ridiculous, use this pattern to fix it: My glasses stay on my head because of my ears. OR: Because of my ears, my glasses don’t fall off my head. In the case of your actual sentence:

These incorrect presumptions explain why polio has not been globally eradicated.

OR

Because of these incorrect presumptions, polio has not been globally eradicated.

SEVENTH EXAMPLE

Polio is possible to eradicate but requires immense effort to convince people like those in Nigeria that the vaccine is in fact safe and necessary.

Here your sentence says: Polio can be eradicated, but polio requires immense effort . . . . As noted before, POLIO doesn’t require effort, ERADICATION does. Rephrase as:

Polio ERADICATION WILL REQUIRE immense effort to convince people like those in Nigeria that the vaccine is in fact safe and necessary.

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davidbdale says:

March 7, 2021 at 5:52 am

PUT IT ALL TOGETHER:

The eradication of polio will be difficult but not impossible. Smallpox, for example, was eradicated, and not a case has been seen since. However, humans, such as those in Nigeria, cannot resist denying that polio can be eradicated. Nigerian citizens and their government simply do not trust the vaccine for there have been rumors that the vaccine contains anti-fertility agents and HIV. Their incorrect presumptions explain why polio has not been globally eradicated. Eradication will require immense effort to convince people like those in Nigeria that the vaccine is in fact safe and necessary.

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davidbdale says:

April 5, 2021 at 7:49 am

I notice you’ve requested a Regrade for copying and pasting my revised paragraph into your post. Does that seem fair?

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