Practice opening- imgoingswimming

The lack of trust between the corrupt Nigerian Government and the people will be one of the reasons polio may never be eradicated. The people of Nigeria have a strong Muslim population and because of this and the mistrust of the government they believe that the vaccines contain some sort of other disease like HIV in order to get ride of them. This and the lack of education on vaccines sparks violence across the country killing workers that attempt to vaccinate their people. The people can not be blamed, as they feel because of the government’s previous history they can not be trusted. The only possible way to contain this virus is to make the government trustable again which may take years or never even happen.

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1 Response to Practice opening- imgoingswimming

  1. davidbdale says:

    The lack of trust between the corrupt Nigerian Government and the people will be one of the reasons polio may never be eradicated.

    Good strong opening, Swimming, except for the word “may.” After “will be,” it doesn’t fit. There’s nothing to lose with a bold prediction. Even if Nigeria isn’t the ultimate cause of failure, surely lack of trust between people and their governments in other countries could also spoil the plan. So you could cite Nigeria as an example of why eradication is impossible.

    The people of Nigeria have a strong Muslim population and because of this and the mistrust of the government they believe that the vaccines contain some sort of other disease like HIV in order to get ride of them.

    This is not clear. Does the Muslim population believe the government is trying to sicken them? Or do they think vaccination is a Western plot? It’s also wordy. For example, “Nigeria’s large Muslim population suspect their government . . . .”

    This and the lack of education on vaccines sparks violence across the country killing workers that attempt to vaccinate their people.

    Putting several items into a sentence does not connect them, Swimming. How does lack of vaccine education spark violence? It surely wouldn’t have to. Suspicion of the process might, if it felt like medical genocide, even if the population understood the biology of inoculation perfectly well. Right?

    The people can not be blamed, as they feel because of the government’s previous history they can not be trusted.

    As the author, you’re the content authority, so it’s your obligation to share the evidence if you have it. “Because of the government’s previous history” does not accomplish that. If you need the claim, back it up a bit. If you can’t, don’t use it.

    The only possible way to contain this virus is to make the government trustable again which may take years or never even happen.

    Consider a less equivocal conclusion. Come down on one side of this question. For example, “The Nigerian government shows no desire to earn the people’s trust, and until they do, eradication in Nigeria is doomed.

    Your grade is at Canvas, Swimming. You have options.
    1. If you’re satisfied with your grade, you don’t have to do anything.
    2. If you’re satisfied with your grade, but you appreciate the feedback, leave me a Reply.
    3. If you want a better grade, you have one week to revise and put this post into Regrade Please.

    Like

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