Practice Opening – mhmokaysure

The spread of Polio in Nigeria stems from a far deeper issue; the government’s distrust by its own people. Ranked by Transparency International as one of the most corrupt nations in the world, there is undoubtedly a disconnect between the citizens and their government. Because of this, uncorroborated statements of the Polio vaccine containing AIDS or infertility drugs as a method of reducing the Muslim population were enough to have all vaccination banned in four northern states. Although vaccination efforts remain strongly led by Muhammad Ali Pate, Nigeria’s Minister of State for Health, the country faces Islamic Insurgency attacks regularly in its Northern region preventing successful execution of these efforts. With these groups targeting schools, hospitals, and UN headquarters, the country appears to be stuck between two sides, with the children of the nation falling victim to both Polio and politics.

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1 Response to Practice Opening – mhmokaysure

  1. davidbdale says:

    You’ve touched all the right bases here, mhm, but you’ve subordinated most of your primary claims. They fall in dependent clauses instead of boldly occupying the heart of the sentence.

    Your primary clauses are these:
    The spread stems.
    There is a disconnect.
    Statements were enough.
    Efforts remain led.
    The country faces attacks.
    The country appears to be stuck.

    Those are the independent clauses of a paragraph that describes widespread suffering, corruption, rumored poisonings, inoculation bans, insurgency attacks on schools and hospitals, and victimized children.

    Details as vivid as those should command their place in your sentences instead of supporting the weak claims of your actual primary clauses. Find and use the actual verbs that hide in your paragraph: distrust, sabotage, attack. Build sentences around them.

    Nigerians distrust their corrupt government.
    Rumors of tainted vaccines sabotage inoculation efforts.
    Islamic insurgents attack schools and hospitals.

    You’re a skilled sentence-builder, mhm, but you’re relegating your strongest material to a supporting role. I encourage you to post a rewrite if you feel motivated to make improvements. If you do that, please publish a brand new post titled “Practice Opening Rewrite—mhmokaysure.”

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