Practice Opening- cardinal7218

A lack of cooperation regarding vaccination will stop polio from being eradicated. In Nigeria, vaccination efforts were derailed by mere rumors. Anti-polio vaccination groups spread false information about vaccines containing AIDS or harmful drugs, creating resistance against vaccination. An uncooperative attitude also stems from the frustration felt by poor Nigerian communities who wonder why polio workers are helping with only one problem when many problems plague their lives. The opposition even took a violent turn when anti-vaccination terrorists attacked polio workers, killing ten. The failure to vaccinate all children in Nigeria that resulted from this resistance led to an outbreak across the Horn of Africa, solidifying the reality that despite the efforts being made, polio will never be eradicated.

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1 Response to Practice Opening- cardinal7218

  1. davidbdale says:

    Bravo.
    Yours is the best first draft I’ve read so far, Cardinal7218.
    It starts strong, uses clear subjects and robust verbs, makes clear claims, follows a logical progression, and balances its conclusion against its opening premise.
    Translation: I like it.

    It has problems, of course.
    It’s a firsty draft. First drafts have problems.
    My job is to point them out and hint at solutions.

    A lack of cooperation regarding vaccination will stop polio from being eradicated.

    A potentially very strong, bold claim, but its terms are ambiguous. “Polio will not be eradicated” we get. But “regarding a lack of vaccination cooperation” could actually mean that the vaccine doesn’t cooperate. What you mean, I think, is that the public’s refusal to cooperate with vaccinators will thwart the eradication of polio. Right? That would be a much clearer claim.

    In Nigeria, vaccination efforts were derailed by mere rumors.

    I love it AFTER we know that it’s the targeted population that resists vaccination because of rumors.

    Anti-polio vaccination groups spread false information about vaccines containing AIDS or harmful drugs, creating resistance against vaccination.

    This is a really fine example of a clear subject “GROUPS” and a robust action verb “SPREAD” false information, followed by the clear consequence “Resistance to vaccination,” which you’ve been preparing us for since word one.

    An uncooperative attitude also stems from [the frustration felt by] poor Nigerian [communities who wonder] why polio workers are helping with only one problem [when many problems] plague their lives.

    Edit the verbiage. Nigerians resist workers who address only one of their many health problems. Right? 12 words versus 30 words. Always work to trim to the essential. I’m telling you this because you’re the best I’ve read so far.

    The opposition even took a violent turn when anti-vaccination terrorists attacked polio workers, killing ten.

    Yeah, you’re good.

    The failure to vaccinate all children in Nigeria that resulted from this resistance led to an outbreak across the Horn of Africa, solidifying the reality that despite the efforts being made, polio will never be eradicated.

    Why? In 10 words or fewer. Why does one incident in Nigeria spell failure for a global effort? Rise to that challenge, and you’ll be REALLY impressive.
    My overall impression is extremely positive, cardinal, especially for a first draft. I encourage you to post a rewrite if you feel motivated to make improvements. If you do that, please publish a brand new post titled “Practice Opening Rewrite—cardinal7218.” [You can leave off the 7218.] I’d love to see it.

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