Robust Verbs-pizzaplanet

Original: There is a huge problem in Vancouver with heroin addicts committing crimes to support their habits. The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the addicts. The problem is that there is a large crime rate due to the addicts. It is obvious that addicts have a hard time getting through their day to day lives. Daily activities such as jobs, interactions, and relationships are hard to maintain because of the fact that they are using. By heroin users being addicted, they will do whatever they have to do to get their hands on the drug. The types of crimes committed are those of breaking and entering as well as stealing. There are no limits to where they will go to retrieve this drug so that they can feed their addiction. The problem with this program is that it won’t help to ween these addicts off using heroin. It is only trying to save the city from rising crime rates that they’re up to. By providing the drug, these addicts will be off the streets, which in turn will prevent them from committing minor street crimes. This will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital. It is pointless that the hospitals have to deal with people that want to use bad drugs or unsanitary needles and find themselves being unable to afford hospital bills and hard to cope without the drug. This program gives people free heroin in the cleanest way possible. This will in turn fix the city  but not the addiction that these people face.

Fixed: Heroine addicts committing crimes to support their addiction create a huge problem in Vancouver. They do whatever it takes to get their hands on drugs which causes a large crime rate. Breaking and entering and stealing are the crimes most committed. Addicts have a hard time maintaining jobs, relationships, and interactions. The program “free heroin for addicts” have a plan to help the addicts, it won’t ween them off heroine it is just trying to control the amount of crime. The program wants to provide the addicts with drugs to keep them off the streets and lower the crime rate. They give them the heroine in the cleanest way to keep the addicts out of hospitals they can’t afford. They want to help them by keeping them out the streets but still in their addictions.

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1 Response to Robust Verbs-pizzaplanet

  1. davidbdale says:

    Pizzaplanet, you’ve done a really nice job of reducing the amount of language and avoiding most of the problems of the original grammar and sentence structure. For the rest, I’ll offer some blunt criticism and make some suggestions. You appear capable of a better paragraph. This one gets graded for the Non-Portfolio portion of your final grade. Feel free to revise it here in the original post without creating a new one.

    Heroine
    —Heroine is the female version of Hero.

    addicts committing crimes to support their addiction create a huge problem in Vancouver.
    —I imagine they do, but you don’t say what the problem is. In fact, because you say that their crimes CREATE a problem, you indicate that the crimes are NOT the problem. The TRUE SUBJECT of your sentence is CRIME. One version that makes this obvious would be: CRIMES committed by heroin addicts to support their addiction IS a huge problem in Vancouver. But you can probably think of a more robust claim than to say something IS something.

    They do whatever it takes to get their hands on drugs which causes a large crime rate.
    —That’s twice you’ve said addicts commit crimes to score drugs, but you haven’t identified the crimes, so it’s hard to know what sort of problem we’ve got. Is a high crime rate a huge problem if the crime is loitering or littering? Addicts are mugging the good citizens of Vancouver for money, breaking into their homes and cars to steal their property, selling them sex. Paint us a picture of the huge problem.

    Breaking and entering and stealing are the crimes most committed.
    —There you go. But why devote a sentence to this detail when it could have been your first claim?

    Addicts have a hard time maintaining jobs, relationships, and interactions.
    —This is going to be a tough transition if you say it here. Shouldn’t you describe the program?

    The program “free heroin for addicts” IS a PROGRAM to help the addicts; it won’t WEAN them off HEROIN; it is just trying to control the amount of crime.
    —I don’t understand. Does it help them maintain jobs and relationships?

    The program wants to provide the addicts with drugs to keep them off the streets and lower the crime rate.
    —That is literally the fourth time you’ve mentioned the amount of crime.

    They give them the heroine in the cleanest way to keep the addicts out of hospitals they can’t afford.
    —There appear to be many purposes for giving addicts free heroin besides reducing the crime rate. You’ve mentioned holding down jobs, maintaining interpersonal relationships, and staying healthy without hospital visits. But you’ve also insisted repeatedly that the purpose is to reduce crime.

    They want to help them by keeping them out the streets but still in their addictions.
    —Are you sure you mean that “they” want to keep the drug users addicted? That sounds like what you mean.

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