Practice Opening- gabythefujoshi

A cut down on routine immunizations and visiting home would prove more effective. The article references that survivors of polio can better spread the message of the fatalities of the virus; they are a physical embodiment of its effects. People of Nigeria live in an environment filled with violence and corruption that manifests suspicion of vaccinator teams. They associate their distrust in higher officials like the government on those that want to help. Continuously trying to help is burdening families more. While it results in more people suffering from polio, families hearing others of their community speak about it would make them actively seek out the vaccine.  

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1 Response to Practice Opening- gabythefujoshi

  1. davidbdale says:

    Thank you, gabythefujoshi, for posting early. I hope your classmates (and cohorts) will observe our interaction and get a better sense of what qualifies as a good Practice Opening. You’ve done some beautiful work here, but I have several notes to share, and I want to offer you a chance to post a Rewrite in response.

    You crystallize complex material very nicely. Your best sentence is a good example:

    People of Nigeria live in an environment filled with violence and corruption that manifests suspicion of vaccinator teams.

    Here you identify a very clear SUBJECT (people of Nigeria) and a robust, active VERB (live), and then proceed to make a very CAUSAL CLAIM (violence and corruption create suspicion). It’s beautiful. Try to emulate that strength and clarity in your other sentences.

    —A cut down on routine immunizations and visiting home would prove more effective.

    This might be effective in the middle of an argument, when readers understand the context, but AS THE FIRST SENTENCE OF YOUR OPENING!, it fails miserably to provide the reader any understanding of your subject matter.

    —The article references that survivors of polio can better spread the message of the fatalities of the virus; they are a physical embodiment of its effects.

    You have another failure of context-sharing here, gaby. Readers have no idea what article you’re referencing. I LOVE the structure of your sentence. It WILL work the next time you deploy it. But here, it fails for two reasons. 1) We don’t know what you’re talking about; 2) Survivors are the precise OPPOSITE of the physical embodiment of FATALITY.

    —They associate their distrust in higher officials like the government on those that want to help.

    This is lovely and compelling logic. I couldn’t agree more with your premise. Syntactically: 1) “distrust of,” not “distrust in”; 2) “associate with,” not “associate on.”

    —Continuously trying to help is burdening families more.

    Remember when your sentence had a REALLY CLEAR subject and a ROBUST ACTIVE verb? This sentence lacks both. Your subject is “trying,” but we really have to guess who’s doing the trying. And your verb is “is,” objectively the least robust and active verb of all verbs. Do you mean that the intrusive and mysterious efforts of the vaccination teams are exhausting the Nigerians’ patience? You might. I’m not sure. I should be sure.

    —While it results in more people suffering from polio, families hearing others of their community speak about it would make them actively seek out the vaccine.

    Here you succumb to the peril of “it.” What results in more suffering, gaby? What does the community need to hear spoken? If you can supply those answers in just a few words, you’ll be on your way to mastering Brevity and Clarity.

    My overall impression is quite positive, gaby, especially for your first draft. I invite and encourage you to post a rewrite if you feel motivated to make improvements. If you do that, please publish a brand new post titled “Practice Opening Rewrite—gabythefujoshi.” I’d love to see it.

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